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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069761">in my defence, i have none</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU, F/M, alternate universe in which doug died before maddie got to LA, captain!howie, nurse!maddie, references to past domestic violence in brief, references to rebar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:29:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,355</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069761</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She loves her best friend, she just doesn't realise how much until he's in the Emergency Room with heat stroke. </p><p>.</p><p>AU!Madney in which Doug died before she got to LA and she and Chimney have been friends since.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Madney One-Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They’re just friends.</p><p>That’s what Maddie keeps telling herself and it’s what she keeps telling other people when they ask.</p><p>She was married for a long time and had only escaped the constraints of her abusive marriage when Doug had died in a car accident that had almost ended both their lives. And whilst it had been over a year since she had arrived in LA after her brother had insisted she come back with him to start a new life, a part of her still didn’t feel ready. Although, that was the part of her that told her that people would judge her for seemingly moving on so quickly.</p><p>It was also the part of her that felt completely unworthy of the level of kindness Chimney had always shown her. She had spent all of her adult life thus far being told that she wasn’t good enough, that she could do better until it was ingrained within her and believing that someone like Chimney could ever think she was enough for him just seemed… impossible. Even if her cheeks flushed when he complimented her and her body trembled ever so slightly when he brushed his shoulder against hers and she smiled every time she looked down at her phone and seen he had text her.</p><p>He was her best friend in every sense of the word – she would call him when she needed someone and he would always be there, they watched movies together, sang karaoke together, even shared a bed sometimes if either of them were sick, injured or too drunk to go home. They were just friends, she absolutely insisted, even if her brother pointed out that just friends didn’t spend every single night neither of them were working together, that <em>just friends</em> didn’t snuggle up together on the couch and fall asleep. Even when her friends had pointed out that just friends definitely didn’t get jealous when other friends asked if they could ask Chimney out on a date (maybe they’d also tell her that just friends didn’t lie to said friend and tell him that that particular nurse was a little… slutty, perhaps).</p><p>Denial was her closest friend when it came to Chimney, the thought of losing him broke her heart more than the thought of never actually fully having him did, so she kept it buried, deep inside.</p><p>“Maddie!” The nurse brushes her hair back with her fingers, tying it into a tight ponytail as she walks out of the doors of the locker room, fresh scrubs on after a patient had thrown up on her, a frown on her face when she sees the concerned look on Buck’s face, Hen hovering awkwardly behind him. It’s instinct, her eyes immediately searching for the face of the man she had been thinking about in in the moments before (he hadn’t text her since that morning, which was so unlike him), until her heart clenches and a lump rises in her throat as though she just senses something isn’t quite right.</p><p>It’s the way her brother’s face is pale, how Hen looks a little haunted by something and how Chimney – currently acting Captain of the 118 – is nowhere to be seen. “Where’s Howie, Buck?” She can tell when he opens his mouth that he wants to make a snarky comment, seeing the glimpse in his eyes before he just shakes his head, changing his mind.</p><p>“They uh—they wheeled him off, I don’t—” Hen shakes her head as well, watching as Maddie practically runs from the two of them. Part of her wants to pull the ‘<em>this is my ER and I need to know exactly what is going on at every single second of the day’ </em>speech out and the other part of her wants to run and hide because the thought of Chimney being hurt or sick enough to be rushed into the Emergency Room forces tears to her eyes and a panic to settle in her chest she can’t quite describe.</p><p>Somehow, he’s in the first room she checks, a crowd of doctors and nurses around him before she easily slips herself next to the bed. “Jane, go—go check on another patient, I got this one.” Her friend opens her mouth to protest, but the look on Maddie’s face leaves no room for argument, watching as she leaves the room before she turns her attention to the man on the bed. “What are we thinking?”</p><p>“Heat stroke.”</p><p>And god, she wants to lecture him more than she ever has before, it’s not the right time to call him an idiot but it’s the first word that wants to fall from her lips. He’s a paramedic, he should know all of the signs before it gets bad enough to land him in a hospital bad and yet, there he is; confusion in his eyes, his uniform shirt cut open, and she can hear the rapid pulsating of the machine next to him. The redness of his skin and how his eyes can’t quite seem to focus on her, even as he whispers her name over and over, as though somehow he’s surprised to see her in her place of work. The stench of vomit fills the air and she can just make out traces on the collar of his shirt and the corners of his mouth, her hand so easily moving to his forehead to brush her thumb gently along his skin.</p><p>“It’s okay, baby, we’re going to get you all cooled down.” The term of endearment slips out before she can even think about it, watching carefully as the cooling blanket is carefully placed over his body. She’s sure she’ll be embarrassed later at the thought of being so unprofessional in front of the people she works with (and really, it doesn’t help that her closest friend in the entire place is smirking at her with a knowing look in his eyes), but for the moment, she focuses on grabbing an ice pack and settling it next to his neck, before she takes another and tucks it beneath his arm.</p><p>“Maddie?”</p><p>The confusion in his voice almost forces the tears to spill over, biting down on her lip to stop them before she smiles at him, “I’m right here, not leaving your side until you’re feeling a bit better.” Her head tilts down to press her lips against his forehead, fingers gently raking through his hair before her eyes flick up to check if his heart rate is slowing down, the relief overwhelming her when she notices the digits decreasing slowly. It’s only then that she turns her attention to the doctor, “He didn’t seize? Lose unconsciousness?”</p><p>“According to the paramedic that brought him in, he lost consciousness for a few seconds, didn’t seize. They got him here just in time.” He passes the tablet to her outstretched hand, knowing the look on her face isn’t one to be messed with as she glances over the admittance notes, nodding her head.</p><p>It’s only then that she turns her attention to Josh, “My shift is over in an hour, if you could cover me until then—just give me a shout if it’s something important. <em>Only</em> if it’s something important.” The smirk on his face tells her that this is something they’ll be discussing in great detail at some point in the next few days (for as long as she can avoid him).</p><p>“Maddie here?” The tired drawl of the man she has spent so long denying her feelings for pulls her from her own head as she looks down at him, hushing him softly when her lips move to his cheek. And she longs, more than anything, to be able to climb up into the bed next to him so she can hold him, to try and ease his suffering as his body shivers ever so slightly and his heart rate continues to drop.</p><p>“Right here, baby, I’m right here, going to take such good care of you after I’ve given you the longest lecture you’ve ever heard because you should be taking so much better care of yourself. I wish you would—” It’s not until the tears start to fall and the way her heart aches in her chest, the hand that isn’t in his hair sliding down to his hand as she grips it tightly, that she realises that she loves him, she’s loved him for a long time.</p><p>“So pretty, don’t cry.”</p><p>If she thought he’d remember her lips against his right then, she’d surge forward to kiss him, but she knows it’s not the right moment, even if she longs for it more than anything else. “There are better ways to get my attention, Captain Han.”</p><p>The little smile on his lips as his eyes fall to a close and his hand squeezes in hers is <em>everything, </em>causing her to let out a small laugh as she shakes her head and just stares down at him. “Can’t believe… worked.”</p><p>“I love you, you absolute idiot. I hope you can remember that, at least, when I’m shouting at you in a few hours.”</p><p>“Love my Maddie, too.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s hard to hold it in, especially as she’s watching him sign the discharge papers and he makes a joke with the doctor, with that silly smile on his face. It’s <em>really</em> hard to stop herself from shouting at him right there and then because she knows Hen has already been in and given him a lecture, and she knows her brother has half-jokingly, half-seriously confirmed that his friend had scared him.</p><p>The only thing that stops her is the fact that she knows when she starts, she won’t be able to stop until she’s either sobbing or declaring her love for him now that he’s more cognisant and really, she’s embarrassed herself enough at work for the night. Peak embarrassment had come to at three in the morning when she snapped at the shy nursing student when she had woken Chimney up whilst removing his IV drip (it could have waited until a more appropriate time and besides, she didn’t want anyone who didn’t <em>know</em> what they were doing touching her… friend).</p><p>Chimney knows she’s holding back because the entire time she’s wheeling him out of the hospital, she doesn’t attempt any small talk. She just chews on the inside of her cheek and stares ahead, grip tight on the handles of the wheelchair she had insisted he get in (hospital policy).</p><p>Hen had stormed into his room the moment he was out of the danger zone and starting to make a little more sense, although his eyes had been glazed over as she demanded to know why the hell he wouldn’t just admit he wasn’t feeling good. It had all come out – they had been at the scene of a multi-car pileup, that had taken the majority of the day to clear and check the patients, put out a few engine fires and so on. Everyone, <em>everyone</em> had taken a break but Captain Han thought he knew best and just as they had arrived back at the station, he collapsed. His best friend had asked him multiple times if he was feeling okay and he had insisted, more than once, that he was <em>absolutely fine</em>. And god, Maddie wanted to slap him for not valuing himself enough to just open his mouth and admit it.</p><p>She knew him inside and out though, knew how difficult admitting any form of weakness was for him but it was still a bitter pill to swallow as she stayed by his bedside for the rest of the night. He was going to be fine, just needed to keep hydrated but the thought of what could have happened whirls through her mind, thinking about a world without the man she—well, the man she loves, she supposes, having reached the conclusion the day before.</p><p>Her mind flickers to the first time they had met, his side smile as he shook her hand and introduced himself as Chimney, only to flush bright red when she asked him the meaning of his name. She can remember the way he had shyly turned up at her door a few days later, with a moving in gift, nervous and endearing at the same time. Maddie had never thought it possible to be so comfortable around another man (that wasn’t her brother) after everything she had gone through with her ex-husband but there he was… the smile she could stare at forever, a personality that somehow always left her longing for more and a sense of humour that left her in stitches every time. Even imagining her life without him for a second had seemed impossible, even if the scar in the middle of his forehead so often reminded her that she could have gone forever without ever meeting him.</p><p>It’s not until they’re in the car and she’s clicked her seatbelt into place that he takes a breath and turns to her, “Let me have it.”</p><p>And she really wants to let it out there and then but she needs to get them both home in one piece so instead, she shakes her head and takes a long exhale of air, before she turns the key in the engine, “Not yet.” She can’t help but glance over at him, at the worry in his face and think <em>good</em>, because he should be scared.</p><p>The journey to his apartment is coated in awkward silence as Maddie tries to decipher exactly what she wants to say (shout) at him and Chimney nervously bounces his leg in anticipation for the lecture that’s about to come. She quickly decides that every minute of his nerves is completely worth it if it makes him think twice about pulling a stunt like that again – although she imagines this won’t be the last time she shouts at him for doing something so reckless, it’s most definitely not the <em>first</em>.</p><p>The moment the door to his apartment is closed, she turns to watch him sink onto the nearest bar stool, eyes on her as she sets her bag to the side and takes a breath. “You’re an idiot.” Not the opener she had been going for but his shoulders slump and the look on his face is enough to keep her going, “You’re a paramedic, Howard, what the hell were you thinking? You do know you’re not invincible, right? You do know you have people who rely on you being here and you being okay?”</p><p>Dammit, her voice cracks and there are tears in her eyes and she hates herself for being so emotional because he stands up and heads towards her. She knows, she just knows, if he wraps his arms around her she’s going to melt into his touch, so she stumbles back with a shake of her head. “I just can’t believe you would risk your own health like that! You’ve seen how severe heat stroke can be, it can be <em>fatal</em> and you are so, so lucky that Hen caught it and started treating you at the scene because just those precious few minutes could have meant the difference between—” She gestures to the fact he’s standing there in his apartment, “This and the possibility of kidney damage or heart failure, you could have put yourself in <em>another</em> coma or you could have—you could have died, Howard.”</p><p>“I know, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I don’t need you to be sorry, I need you to promise me you won’t do that again. I need you to admit when you’re not feeling good—”</p><p>“But I’m the Captain.” He cuts her off quickly, an exasperated look on his face that quickly drops when her glare settles on him.</p><p>“And I’m the Charge Nurse and when I’m not feeling good or when I need help, I ask for it because that’s what people do. It’s not admitting weakness, it’s just—everyone needs help sometimes, Howie. You need help sometimes, so I’m asking you to do better, to take better care of yourself because I don’t know what I would do without you, Hen, Buck, Bobby, Eddie… there are people who <em>need </em>you to be okay and if I ever see you in my ER again through something that could be prevented by you opening your mouth, I swear to God—”</p><p>He’s smirking, her cheeks flush with anger, her arms folding over her chest as she huffs, “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t you—” Her hand reaches out to slap his chest when he’s close enough, “—care? Don’t you ever think for a second that—”</p><p>“You love me?” That’s enough to shut her up, angrily wiping at the tears that have finally slipped down her cheeks, as her heart thumps hard and fast against her chest. Had he remembered from yesterday when she had thought he was too out of it to remember? Had he just guessed? Was she obvious?</p><p>“W-what? I…”</p><p>Oh. He’s wearing that confident smirk on his face and he steps forward once again and she has half a mind to remind him that he should be on bed rest. That the only reason they had been so comfortable in letting him out of the hospital in the first place was because she had promised she would take good care of him. “You. Love. Me.”</p><p>And really, she couldn’t deny it even if she wanted to because she’s the one who had cried on Hen’s shoulder the night before (and maybe his best friend had told him that) and she’s the one who hadn’t let go of his hand whilst he slept, and who wept when he whimpered in his sleep and maybe he had been more aware of everything than she had ever thought possible.</p><p>“You seem pretty sure of that.” His eyebrow practically raises to his hairline and he takes one more step forward, close enough she can feel his breath on her face as her chest heaves. “You should—you should be in bed, I should—you uh, there’s water and meant to be on bed rest not looking at me like that.” Her cheeks are getting redder, the rambling words coming out a lot more incoherently than she had planned, considering she had built up to this moment. “I really hate you right now, <em>stop</em> looking at me like that.”</p><p>Chimney’s eyes are dark, the smirk only growing even more before until his hands are on her waist and why the hell is he so damn handsome? She sort of wants to open her mouth and tell him that she wishes he could be this confident in admitting defeat when he’s sick but instead, she slams her lips to his, arms wrapping around his shoulders.</p><p>When they pull back, trying to catch their breath, his eyes are glinting with a look she’s never seen before as his fingers curl a little tighter around her top, “Oh, you definitely love me.”</p><p>“Oh, you are definitely still delirious, let’s get you to bed.”</p><p>“If you insist, Nurse Buckley.”</p><p>The cocky tilt of his head as he looks her up and down is only cancelled out by the exhaustion on his face when she watches him try to stifle a yawn just seconds later. “I do insist and if you’re lucky, you’ll even get belly rubs. If you’re lucky.” The smirk drops and is easily replaced by a pout, hand dropping from her waist to take it in hers, actually guiding it towards his stomach as she giggles and rolls her eyes.</p><p>“You’re a puppy.”</p><p>“Well, I guess I’m <em>your</em> puppy now.”</p><p>When her hand comes to a rest on his stomach, she grins, “Hmm, we’ll see about that. <em>My</em> puppy would be trained to tell people when something is wrong.” Her other hand reaches tenderly to stroke his cheek before her knuckles graze along the bridge of his nose.</p><p>“I promise not to let it get that far again.”</p><p>She knows that’s the closest she’s going to get, and it’ll do for now. Just for now.</p>
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